This is one of those posts that feels like it says something, but I'm posting it wondering if it says anything at all. Good thing about a blog is that I can just let you figure that out.
The other day I wrote about how I hadn't finished any books in January until I sat my butt down and finished one. That, as usual, led to me wanting to read more. I had Ryan Holiday's Stillness Is The Key and read the first page, standing at the kitchen counter waiting to take my daughter to school. I was hooked. Three days later, I finished the final pages.
Some books I read just for fun, to hear a story, but usually I dig more out of a book than just entertainment. Mostly, I read to learn. That sounds holier than thou, but I dig learning. When people ask what time in my life I'd go back to do again, I say college because I loved when my only job was to learn new things.
Hang on. That's kind of my job now except that rather than grades, how well I learn determines whether or not my organization survives.
In college, a woman working to finish an essay due the next day wailed, it's too much pressure! I asked what the hell she was talking about. We had had the assignment for weeks. Hers was mostly drafted. Mine was done. The worst that could happen is she'd get a lousy grade. Our only job was to write an essay according to the assignment, revise the hell out of it, and (here's the part that's easy to forget) learn something in the process to use the next time around. Not much pressure there, but her wailing helped me see my situation more clearly. In a flash of insight, I understood what I was doing, what I was there to do, and how to do it.
Do I understand my current situation in my new job? Ryan Holiday's book brings me a step closer. He's a good teacher too and didn't wail on any of the 260 pages of his book. So far as I can tell, my job is to be open to learning and accept that I don't know everything I want to know. I've been at this job all of 262 days, not long enough to know much of anything. I have a lot of struggle ahead.
Struggle? That doesn't sound good.
But it is good. On almost every one of the 260 pages of Holiday's book I found something that helped and nudged me. That's nothing compared to help and nudges I receive on the job most every day, each of which helps me do and be more. It's a matter of time, acceptance, openness, and diligence. I've got this.
I have to remind myself of such things because anxiety, that Godzilla-sized monster, lurks within me ready to awaken, trample all my buildings, and breathe fire over the landscape of everything I am. I have to remind myself to breathe, to keep going, and to believe.
Reading helps me remember that I'm searching and trying to find balance just like most everyone else. I'll always want to know more but am well-advised to be content with who I am in this moment. Striving and contentment balance one another. Holiday calls this stillness. I'm just as happy calling it being.
I can think of no better way to be than taking on new challenges, learning new things, and not wailing when anxiety attacks. I need all the teachers I can find. So I'll keep reading, finishing one book and seeing another waiting on the desk, one that I can't wait to begin. It's like beginning another day, sun coming up, sky open to infinity, and me rising from slumber to see what there is to read and learn before the sun goes down.
