Future Value

Anyone who knows me has heard too much about Tesla. I'm saving for one, mostly by investing in Tesla stock.

A friend, disgusted by Elon Musk's politics, said he'd never buy a Tesla. I get that. I'll never set foot in a property connected in any with the orange maggot who is still trying to overthrow our democracy. We have to invest in what we believe and he doesn't believe in Musk.

But I'll sure as hell buy a Tesla and more Tesla stock. Electric cars are the future and no one does them half as well as Tesla. Given their record, their self-driving advantage, and future plans, I figure Tesla is wildly undervalued even though they produce so few cars compared with, for example, Toyota.

For me, Toyota is way overvalued. Their valuation doesn't account for their carbon footprint and terrible plans for the future. Toyota minimally innovates the hybrid and acts as if hydrogen vehicles are the future. They work against increased mileage standards because they're stuck on cash-rich products of the moment.

And they sided with the orange maggot.

I've owned three Toyotas including a used Prius I'm driving until I buy a Tesla, but never invest in them again. I'll invest only in the future.

That's an odd thought to have drafted with a fountain pen, really old technology, except that fountain pens are forward-thinking tech. Disposable pens are Toyotas. Fountain pens are Teslas because they don't pollute, lasts years (maybe decades), and the experience of writing with one is a dream. Their value is a combination of usefulness, longevity, ecology, overall cost, and joy of use. Like a Tesla.

I'll invest in that sort of thing every day of the week and twice on Sundays. I don't want disposable or wasteful things. I want value for the long-term.

I'll keep you posted about the Tesla I'm $3,500 away from ordering. You'll never hear the end of it. Not unless I'm busy talking about my fountain pen. Or maybe you'd prefer we didn't talk much anymore. I get that a lot. Before you go, want to buy a used Prius?

Pause, Breathe, Decide

The other day a friend was focused on something I had put to bed after only a little bit of thought. We were on the phone and he was focused, almost obsessed, like it was crucial. He had spent hours anxiously working on it and couldn't understand how I could be so calm.

As we talked, I felt pulled by his expectations. Maybe I should be more concerned. Have I missed something important? I felt his anxiety creeping in as I doubted myself.

Then I paused and took a deep breath.

He kept talking, but I stepped out of his storm into a quiet, protected space for a moment.

I skimmed the plan I had put in place as he talked about his concerns and worries about his planning. My plan still looked good enough to me if not for him.

I breathed again and thought, I'm okay.

I climbed back into the conversation, secure enough in my decisions that his storm raged on without disturbing me.

The pause and deep breath allowed me to name the anxiety I felt and decide whether or not to keep feeling it. My children tire of me saying it but anxiety (among many other things) is a choice. The pause and deep breath give me a chance to make good choices.

The pause, breath, and decision separated me from my friend's anxiety. Losing myself in his anxiety, I'm not good to me, the people I lead, or my friend. Separate from his anxiety, I connect better with him and myself.

It's a self-centered technique in two ways. One, I take a moment to think about myself. Two, it centers my self so I'm of use to others. That kind of selfishness pays dividends for everyone.

After pausing, breathing, deciding, and getting some space, I came back to the conversation and eased my friend's anxiety a little. I showed him I had chose not to be anxious about it.

However it worked out for him, I came out more centered and balanced than I had gone in. All from a brief pause and deep breath which made room for a good choice. Quite a return from so simple a technique.

Five Years Ago and Ahead

Yesterday, I looked back at Morning Pages I wrote in 2016, back when I felt trapped in a terrible, punishing job and lost in my life. A lot has changed in five years.

Then I got thinking about the paper on which I was writing. It's a page I designed in a word processor, lines I print on the backs of used paper. The design has changed a bunch since 2016 and I continue to tweak and refine it.

The page design in 2016 was good. Refinements have made it better. I expect more changes because I need to keep going toward better.

This reminds me of walking the path toward enlightenment, something I've no expectation of achieving. Still, I walk the path because movement feels good. Looking back at my 2016 writing, maybe I'm just that much closer to enlightenment, some small sprout of it growing within me.

These last five years haven't been easy, but they haven't been all that difficult either. Walking a path is just one step and then another, one day and then another. I'm not trying to minimize what I've accomplished. I'm just trying for some perspective. Mostly it has been a matter of simply accepting of what is, being open to what might be, and trying to stay mindful of my choices.

In 2016, I resisted, closed myself, and thought I had no choices. The world was against me. I see now that I had locked my own cage and had the key in my pocket. Turns out that the way to change my world is mostly a matter of changing myself. Make one choice, then another, wake up tomorrow, and do it again.

In five years, I'll look back at this morning's pages and feel changed. Even the lined page will be different. I'll have chosen to keep refining. I'll be that much farther down the path. Though it's difficult to imagine being much happier than I am now.