Maybe Just This Moment Only

Busy morning. I Wrote Morning Pages, scooped litter, shaved, dressed, did pushups, went to the grocery store for the week's shop. I washed two month's grime off my car and mold off the the shower. I made potato salad, washed dishes, and scoured the sink.

Can you tell both of my daughters just left for college?

Some of this is distraction therapy. The empty nest. Some is just being productive and enjoing that. Enjoying it almost to distraction.

Scrubbing the sink, I heard myself think, if I do this every day, I'd be much happier.

I stopped there, caught myself leaving the moment.

What I'm doing now is more than planning for later. Thinking what I have to or should do takes away the joy of this moment.

Right this moment, I'm sitting in the back yard, listening to music (Wind & Wuthering side two). The dog, a Zen master, sniffs the slightest breeze. I'm catching myself planning the editing and revision instead of just, in this moment, writing. I listen to my fingers on the keyboard, focus on the magic of these words appearing one at a time.

Even so, I find myself planning. Keep returning to the moment, I tell myself, then smile at having left the moment to plan my return to it. Leaving the wondrous joy available to me perhaps only in this moment.

Then I breathe, watch the dog roll upside down in the grass, and stop with her four legs spread out and up toward the sun. It comes to me then that these moments and this joy abound all along the way.

Stop Contaminating the Stream

Environmentalists talk about "cleaning up after the elephant" — the endless task of cleaning up industrial contamination — and how a far more effective strategy is to avoid fouling up the environment in the first place. Likewise, mindfulness of breathing can be used to prevent the contamination of our inner environment. It helps us tether the elephant of the mind and avoid the imbalances that so frequently come with modern living.

The healing of the body-mind has another significant parallel with environmentalist ideas. When a stream is polluted, one may try to add antidotes to the toxins in the water, hoping such additives will neutralize the damage. But the more straightforward and sensible approach is simply to stop the flow of contamination into the stream. When this is done, over time the flow of the water through soil, stones, and vegetation can purify the stream completely.

—B. Alan Wallace, The Attention Revolution Daily Dose of Wisdom #95

Simply stop contaminating the stream. A wondrous notion.

My stream is fouled with anxiety, distraction, feeling overwhelmed. In response, I'm avoiding things, using alcohol and food, and going to harmful distractions.

Stop the flow of contamination.

Rather than rush to work this morning, I'm typing this. Rather than consuming Tweets, I'm creating this. Rather than a second coffee, I'm sipping water.

I can't clean the stream, but I can choose not to contaminate it further.

Some of this comes down to acceptance. Anxiety isn't poison but resistance to it is toxic. Accepting anxiety allows it to pass and stops the flow of contamination.

There's more to all this, of course. I read the quote only half an hour ago and thought it over in the shower. But it's a simple mantra for today: stop contaminating the stream.

I do, however, have one issue.

over time the flow of the water through soil, stones, and vegetation can purify the stream completely.

Over time? But once I stop contaminating, I want immediate resolution! Turns out, neither the world nor my mind-body operates that way. Damn it.

Maybe today I'll work to stop contaminating the stream and also take time to sit still by it long enough that the water teaches me at least a little bit about how to wait.

Watching Movies In School

In my last two years teaching, I had a class in which we watched movies. Casablanca, Jaws, Rear Window, whatever I thought might be good that they hadn't seen. Watching movies, that's all we did. No tests, quizzes, reports, or lectures. I talked a little about willing suspension of disbelief, showed them why certain scenes were great, and answered any questions, but mostly we just watched movies.

Had this been early in my career, I'd likely have felt guilty about watching movies without any academic activity attached. As it went, I felt no guilt because the admins were screwing us teachers and kids every possible way. I was so burned out and the kids were so poorly served, it was all we could do to survive and get through the day.

Three years removed from terrible, abusive place, I realize it was actually a pretty great class.

Here's something about teaching: most of the tests and lectures is meant to justify what's being done and hold kids accountable. It justifies to admins why the teacher is showing a movie. Accountability is a euphamism for keeping kids in line — watch the movie or fail the unit. It's a game

The kids in those classes actually watched the movies. Okay, one kid put his head down and fake-snored just to show me I couldn't make him do anything, but he was a wrecked kid who'd have just failed any quizzes and tests I had inflicted. The rest of the kids mostly were into it. They suggested movies, asked why I'd chosen some, told me what they thought of each one.

By end of year they'd seen some good movies. A couple documentaries, one movie with subtitles that they hated, some westerns, lots of suspense, great comedy, a few action movies, a couple in black and white, and whatever else I threw at them. Things they wouldn't have seen otherwise.

Isn't that what school is supposed to do?

Only that one kid failed and that's because he wanted to. The rest passed with A's.

Here's something else about teaching and learning: Teaching is ridiculously easy, but helping people learn is the hardest work there is. Most grades and tests are all about teaching not learning. My movie class grew out of me needing to survive but ended up being all about learning.

Don't know why I thought of all this, but it reminds me of the good in teaching and helps me forget how schools screw all that up. When it's about the kids and not at all about the admins or politicians, it mostly just works.

Fat In The Moment

A man stares at his too-large belly. He's tired of middle age. From the wall, he takes down all the calendars. So many. He pages back toward the year of his birth. Waits for a young man to appear. A boy. A child. An unimagineable baby. But no. It's just him there still. His too-large belly and middle age. Stuck on one page of one calendar. Stuck on one box on that page. Passing through one moment within that box. He shakes his head hard. Flips ahead now. Pages after pages. Calendars after calendars. Waiting for a changed man to appear. Another unimagineable. But still it's just him. Just this moment. Carrying the weight of his expectations and desires. No one else is coming to take his place. And so he pulls on clothes and goes out into the day, leaving all those calendars scattered on the floor. Almost as if they meant nothing at all.