I have a meeting scheduled today at 4:30. Do I go or "meet" online? Am I being overly cautious, giving into fear? Is it foolish to expose myself (and by connection, my family) to further contact? The answers to all of these questions are that I just don't know.

It's an important meeting, but is anything important enough to get into a room with people and increase the exposure of my family by four or five times? We're in the early stages of understanding this pandemic. Testing isn't widely available. My family, including my elderly mother, are healthy, and I'll do most anything to keep it that way. So, despite the meeting's importance, I'm unsure what to do.

This reminds me that balance is the most important thing on which I'll work over the next few weeks. It has been crucial all along, but is especially so now. I'm balancing the welfare of my family with the importance of the meeting, balancing the feeling of risk with the available science, balancing fear with courage and risk with safety.

I can't hold balance. I'm constantly falling out of it. That sounds bad, but I'm also always in the process of returning to balance. Two nights ago I couldn't sleep thinking all was lost. The next morning I saw the sunlight. Last night I slept well. This morning it's grey outside and in.

As for the meeting, everyone there is smart, thoughtful, and careful. All of us will wash hands before, stay six feet apart, and not shake hands. Maybe we will begin by acknowledging our concerns and the ways in which we feel out of balance. From there we can proceed.

Yesterday, worrying over all this, I stopped to watch my daughters outside, playing with the dog, doing a photo shoot. I saw people jogging and walking past the house. I sat next to my wife on the couch. I knew that my mother was only a phone call away. I took a deep breath and felt just that much more calm, cleansed, and dare I say balanced in that moment. Before I could worry that the moment would end, I took another breath, this time closing my eyes and trusting that I won't fall down.