It's fitting that on the first draft of this I mistyped the title and on the second changed it completely. Between those drafts I took a break to reflect on what I'm still trying to say. Mistake, reflection, and fix.

I screwed something up and I'm embarrassed. It wasn't the end of the world, but it wasn't spilt milk either. I wanted to hide in a corner the rest of the day. I also wanted to learn from it and move on. But I wasn't ready to do either. I was stuck in a familiar-feeling place that I couldn't identify until this thought occurred:

A mistake is a tiny death. Once made, there's no returning to a life in which I haven't made it.

That helped me understand that I'm mourning having made the mistake. Moruning takes time. It is a process of moving back into balance. There's a system to it and my way forward is to reflect in writing on the steps involved. Like so:

1. Acknowledge the mistake and apologize. Yeah, I screwed the pooch on that one. Sorry, pooch.
2. Rather than beat myself up, consider how I would treat my daughters if the mistake was theirs. Alright, you messed up. These things happen. Are you okay? What would make it right?
3. Make coffee and write. Coffee improves most everything. I like the process of making it, the slow enjoyment of drinking it, the calming it brings over me, and how it goes with writing, my tool for reflection.
4. Ask what's next. What should I do right now and what should I do tomorrow to move through?

A simple plan, but it takes time to move through the steps. It was hours after I apologized that I thought to be kind to myself. It was an hour after that until I made coffee and wrote this. In between, I beat myself up, worried what people will think, and felt the sky was falling. Bad habits learned over five decades. It's tough to turn that around and plot a new course. The list above looks good, but I've been mourning my mistake most of the day and I'm not done. There are miles to go before I sleep.

I'll probably wake tomorrow still carrying too much regret even as I reflect and ask what's next. I know regret isn't useful and there's not enough time in life to waste it on guilt and abuse. But I also know balance doesn't just restore itself nor can I forget my mistake and go on like it never happened. I'm between mistake and recovery, reflecting, hoping time really does heal all wounds. What's next is to go forward, learn, grow, accept, and move on.

Thinking that's easy would be another mistake and, I tell you, I'm just not ready to deal with any more of those right now.