I was a teacher for twenty-four years. I've been a student all my life. I'm in a new job at which I know only three percent of what I need to know, but I'm learning. All of which gives me the standing to say the following:

Learning sucks, man.

The guy who had my job before helps and advises me more than I deserve. He points out the trip wires and shows how to excel. But I haven't learned enough to make the best use of his advice. Today, I learned things, got slapped around by events enough to understand one of his big lessons. It's great to understand, but it totally sucked learning this way.

I've got a great team at work. My deputy is smarter than me in most every way, thoughtful, and knows thirty-eight times more than I do about the job. She patiently teaches and helps me get things figured out. She's wonderful, but it totally sucks having to learn all the stuff she knows, asking her to teach me again and again.

My friend in a very similar job warned me about this gig. She's phenomenal at the job and makes it look easier than it is. She said I wouldn't sleep for a year, that I'd be thinking about it all the time, but that I would be good because I learn fast. She forgot to say how much learning sucks.

Okay, okay, learning doesn't really suck, but it feels that way. My coach says I'm doing fine. Board members, staff, and colleagues say so too. My wife says I'm doing fine and she knows me better than anyone, but I still feel unprepared and slow. Today I learned an important lesson about the job and sensed how much I still don't know. Every day I'm learning and every day learning sucks because I want to know already.

It's after nine o'clock at night. Good music is playing, the air conditioner is cooling the bedroom, and the alarm is set for five AM so I can get up and learn some more. Learning will still suck and I'll still feel unequal to the tasks, but here's the thing:

I love this work, love the challenges, and, truth to tell, I even love the learning even though it totally sucks.