Yesterday, I had to learn something big. There was no way around having to figure it out other than quitting my job. That hardly seemed a reasonable response to a challenge. Learning might suck, but it beats the hell out of running away, so I worked my way into it.

I did not figure everything out or get it all right. I figured a couple things but also ran into new questions and challenges. So it goes. I know better what's left to learn and have vague ideas how to get there. Mostly, I need to keep going.

I made some mistakes too. A staff member asked about doing something. I said to go ahead despite a hazy doubt somewhere in my mind. An hour later I realized the mistake. Damn it. I'll redo things today, clean up my mess. No big deal, but it reminds me what sucks about learning, especially when I'm in prototype mode.

The first time through, things are terribly difficult. I don't know enough to do well, don't know enough to even realize mistakes until after I've made them. Then, seeing how I've screwed up, I want to quit. Instead, as Steely Dan wisely instructs, I go back, Jack, do it again, wheels turning round and round. Next time, I notice a few more mistakes, make some new ones, and am almost as frustrated as the first time. Almost. I'm still in prototype stage. The thing works, maybe just barely. I'm nowhere near finished and can't know how many iterations I'll need. Eventually, I'll build something that works, something on which I'm making refinements, something natural and elegant.

I want to get to that end right away if not sooner, but there's no bypassing the practice, prototyping, and iterative creation of systems. It's slow and frustrating work, but I've yet to find another way into the promised lands. The sooner I make that first prototype and open myself to making mistakes through which I learn (no matter how much that sucks), the sooner I'll develop expertise, comfort, and a working machine.

In other words, I need to keep going.

The prototype functions, albeit with sparks, smoke, and impending failure. I see how to trim the edges, realign the pieces, and employ new materials in the next prototype. That one will probably still might smolder, maybe explode, but it will lead to the next prototype and someday to something that will seem to have sprung full-form as though by magic.

Today there will be another big thing to learn and more mistakes to be made, but today might also be the day something works. Let's go find out.