Just watched three episodes of The Bear and in one Cousin talks about purpose, how he wonders if he has one in what they're doing. All the characters are struggling as they work toward something spectacular, something worthy. They all seem to be trying to prove something to someone. Sydney to her father and dead mother. Carmen to his dead brother, Mikey, and to an idea he holds of himself. Cousin to his daughter and Mikey and maybe Carm.

Which gets me thinking who I'm trying to prove myself worthy of. I'm sitting here, ten-thirty at night, typing words no one will read. Trying to impress somebody. Anybody. I hearing the tone and tempo of The Bear. I'm thinking about a book I tried to make for my wife. Printed pages I tried to bind without knowing how. Half-assing it.

That's a present she never liked. One story was "Nancy," about me trying to work up the nerve to kiss a girl. Never got there. Didn't think I was worthy. Couldn't figure out how to impress her. I didn't need to impress her. I needed to kiss her. She was waiting. Seems so simple now.

The Bear gets me thinking about my work too. I want the community center to be great. I want it to be big. But here's the problem: I want to be seen as having made it great. I still want to be worthy. That's the wrong way around. You don't become great because you want to be great. You do it by not giving a shit about your own worth and just doing the work.

A guy I know a little does the work, as far as I know, but he blows his own horn so fucking much I can't stand him. I don't want to be like that. I want to cultivate greatness in others and myself, but I feel overwhelmed so much of the time. I worry I'm doing it all wrong when I should just kiss the girl already.

Purpose? It might be to let go. Believe but don't hold on. Accept not expect. Do what I can right now. And quit worrying so much about myself. It's not supposed to be about me.

Greatness is always up ahead, over the horizon, across the river. It is the very model of moving goal posts. Greatness is in what I can't or haven't yet achieved. Even if I do achieve some measure of greatness I know it's something I'll likely lose.

The purpose has to be something other than greatness. I'm a thousand miles away from understanding what my purpose and just as far from knowing much of anything about what greatness might be.