A teacher friend said they gained twenty pounds over the last few months, likely from job-related anxiety. One reason I decided to leave teaching was that I gained twenty-four pounds over the first five months of my last school year. Nothing I did made things better, so I got out, naively believing that switching jobs would be so healthy I'd be transformed and the weight would fall right off.

I'm smiling about the wistful logic in that line of thinking. Much of my weight gain was tied to anxiety and unhappiness. A better job meant relief from all that, right? Well, no. I'm still anxious about what to do and what will happen. The tones of my worries have changed, but I'm still anxious. The question is how to deal with that.

Awareness seems the key. Anxiety can be a driver. It's like going on stage. The pressure is good so long as I manage it. However, if anxiety becomes the driver, I'm frantic to the point of being unaware. Then I eat poorly and sink into depression. That's some of why I'm still heavy. I have a great job and I'm out of a terrible job, but I still lack awareness and still carry lots of anxiety. Fighting that anxiety hasn't proven effective. Being aware of it, just being aware, has shown some encouraging results.

Yesterday I was aware. After two days sick on the couch, I felt stronger but not whole. I woke aware of that and wanting to remain checked in throughout the day so as not to wear myself out. Because I was recovering from a stomach bug, I was aware of what, when, how, and why I was eating. By last night I felt good having been aware throughout the day.

Having a goal to lose weight isn't effective for me because it concentrates on a symptom. Awareness seems a better way to go though I won't master it and will likely drop the ball. So it goes. I'm not quite at the top of Maslow's hierarchy. Hell, I can't even see the top from where I stand. That's okay so long as I keep climbing, seeking enough awareness of my world and self that I become more deliberate, considerate, and thoughtful of my choices. That's a way toward contentment, peace, and achievement. It might even shed a few pounds.

I felt myself rev up this morning as I tallied up the things I want to do, the things I felt had to be done. Rather than beat back the anxiety, I whispered, "I'm getting anxious." I made myself aware and the anxiety receded. I took a breath, pet the cat, and came back to the world. If that's all I accomplish today, I'm satisfied.