Awareness & Anxiety

A teacher friend said they gained twenty pounds over the last few months, likely from job-related anxiety. One reason I decided to leave teaching was that I gained twenty-four pounds over the first five months of my last school year. Nothing I did made things better, so I got out, naively believing that switching jobs would be so healthy I'd be transformed and the weight would fall right off.

I'm smiling about the wistful logic in that line of thinking. Much of my weight gain was tied to anxiety and unhappiness. A better job meant relief from all that, right? Well, no. I'm still anxious about what to do and what will happen. The tones of my worries have changed, but I'm still anxious. The question is how to deal with that.

Awareness seems the key. Anxiety can be a driver. It's like going on stage. The pressure is good so long as I manage it. However, if anxiety becomes the driver, I'm frantic to the point of being unaware. Then I eat poorly and sink into depression. That's some of why I'm still heavy. I have a great job and I'm out of a terrible job, but I still lack awareness and still carry lots of anxiety. Fighting that anxiety hasn't proven effective. Being aware of it, just being aware, has shown some encouraging results.

Yesterday I was aware. After two days sick on the couch, I felt stronger but not whole. I woke aware of that and wanting to remain checked in throughout the day so as not to wear myself out. Because I was recovering from a stomach bug, I was aware of what, when, how, and why I was eating. By last night I felt good having been aware throughout the day.

Having a goal to lose weight isn't effective for me because it concentrates on a symptom. Awareness seems a better way to go though I won't master it and will likely drop the ball. So it goes. I'm not quite at the top of Maslow's hierarchy. Hell, I can't even see the top from where I stand. That's okay so long as I keep climbing, seeking enough awareness of my world and self that I become more deliberate, considerate, and thoughtful of my choices. That's a way toward contentment, peace, and achievement. It might even shed a few pounds.

I felt myself rev up this morning as I tallied up the things I want to do, the things I felt had to be done. Rather than beat back the anxiety, I whispered, "I'm getting anxious." I made myself aware and the anxiety receded. I took a breath, pet the cat, and came back to the world. If that's all I accomplish today, I'm satisfied.

Talking Mostly To Myself

I often worry that it seems I'm preaching here. That or trying to prove how wonderful I am. Preaching turns me off to Twitter and people being wonderful is reason enough to leave Facebook. These aren't things I want to be doing in my writing so sometimes I end posts by saying I'm mostly telling myself whatever the post was about. One way I learn is by repeating things to myself until I believe.

Many times I recount experiences I've had or that someone else described to me. This doesn't mean I'm perfect (ha!) or the other person is some kind of guru. It's just that I found whatever happened interesting and want to share. It's that way with phones this week.

I'm reading Cal Newport's Digital Minimalism which is good. I would say it's great, but I've read a lot on this subject before. I imagine it would be an eye-opener for anyone who hasn't been thinking about distractions and focus as much as I have. Reading the book does have me changing things on my phone and the ways in which I use (or don't use) it.

Last night I set the phone to go grey-scale and block all notifications and calls from 8 pm until 7 am. I also set time limits (through an Android app called Digital Wellbeing. I'm trying to make my smartphone dumb and uninteresting. The effects so far have been encouraging.

According to Digital Wellbeing, I use my phone for about an hour and a quarter each day. That's a start but is still disconcerting because I'm losing over an hour to it every day. That's time I could write, enjoy my family, walk, or run. I'd like to get phone use down to half an hour or so. I'll keep at it.

I'm also leaving the phone at home when I go out with family. They each have phones should we need them, but not having mine keeps me from looking at it and in the midst of my loves. Why check email when I've got my daughters and wife right there? I mean, duh.

I'm an amateur at this and there's no telling how long I'll stay with it. The master is: my friend Jerry. I emailed him about getting together at the Carrier Dome for a basketball game. I included a link to a map and told him if he had trouble finding where to park, he could give me a call. He became my hero by saying:

"Much obliged for the map, which I'll use. I don't carry a phone, so hooking-up will be clunky." (emphasis mine)

He did have trouble parking but asked people and got where he needed to be. Watching the first half, I scanned the seats and there he was. At halftime I walked around to where he was coming up the aisle. There was nothing clunky about our embrace. We talked for fifteen minutes and neither of us looked at our phones. We were too busy being together.

Again, I'm writing this down so I remember that a phone is just a tool, not the centerpiece of my living. Do with that information as you will.